My God Damn Daily Beauty Routine.
by Chelsea Carter
I have been aware for a while that I am the evil twin of huge super star beauty blogger & vlogger, Essie Button. However, a week ago I made the drastic decision to cut my hair off which has only made me resemble Estée even more. In celebration of this, I thought it would be fitting to rip her off one last time by filling you in on my own daily beauty routine so that you, too can get that “Knock-Off Beauty Blogger” look. Like those Von Dutch caps from the 00’s that said Von Bitch when you looked closely.
1) Wake Up
This is essential to the concept of “daily”.
I like to start the day by checking social media, which is normally followed by self loathing. The Yogi’s have chanting, I have Twitter.
I shower most days. It tends to work as a signifier of my existence, like, yes I am real due to having to clean my God damn body. Let me break down the cleaning:
Hair – I do this every other day because I am not insane. This consists of 2x shampoo (I read somewhere once about 5 years ago that this is good for your hair) and 1x conditioner which I leave on until I have cleaned the rest of my body to make it soft and swishy.
Face – I have totally bought in to the idea that those intense facial scrubs will wash away my impurities in one fell swoop (it’ll take more than that, amirite guys?!)
Body – Shower gel. Lathered with hands. Extra focus on the armpits, belly button, knee-armpits, and feet.
Vagina & Bum – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT USE SOAP* UNLESS YOU WANT AN ITCHY BREAD FACTORY DOWN THERE (AKA THRUSH). ALWAYS CLEAN FRONT TO BACK UNLESS YOU WANT TO LIVE ON THE TOILET (AKA CYSTITIS).
Hair Removal – This only happens on special occasions.
*I like FemFresh because Vagisil sounds gross.
I suffer from Psoriasis, which is best described as lizard skin. This means I moisturise like a mad woman, usually with E45, or if I’m feeling fancy/dangerous some sort of perfumed shit, or if I’m feeling pale one of those Garnier fake tan ones (like I said here, I’m an Essex girl). I then use my steroid gel, Dovobet, on the areas that are badly affected by Psoriasis which are my elbows and knees.
Tip: If you suffer from Psoriasis, I’ve found the Dovobet gel to be the best treatment out there, aside from frying myself in the sun. Ask your Doctor for it, it’s widely available.
5) Face & Make Up
I find that the older you get, the more shit you rub on your face. My facial routine is as follows:
Serum – I’m not sure what this does but I was given it for free, so…
Moisturiser – Like I said; lizard skin.
Primer – I rub enough on ’til my face feels like Plasticine and I can mould it in to somethin’ beautiful.
Foundation – I have to even my skin tone because I drink a lot.
Concealer – Bye bye, blemishes and dark circles!
Powder – The correct terminology for this process is to “set” the make up. Like cement.
Bronzer – I use the same brush I just used for the powder but I squash it in to an angle and swipe some bronzer on just underneath my cheek bones because I watched a contouring video once.
Eyebrows – On fleek.
Eyeliner – I have been perfecting Cleopatra cat eyes for almost 10 years. It is an art form that takes years to master.
Mascara – MaxFactor forever, and do the bottom lashes! Nobody will think you are wearing too much make up and you might even look like Twiggy.
Lips – On a special occasion (usually the same special occasion I remove body hair for), I’ll not do Eyeliner and put on some rouge. If not, clear lip balm/gloss prevents foundation lips.
Highlighter – My new favourite thing. Swipe on cheek bones, eyebrow arches and cupid bow.
I used to just rub some mousse in wet hair and blow dry upside down, but since having it cut I’ve actually had to style it because without doing so I look so ugly, people would actually throw rocks at me. This process is:
Serum – Again, free, not sure what this does.
Blow Dry – Upside down, for some lift.
Heat Protector Spray – I may live on the edge, but I’m not a damn lunatic.
Straightening – I have straight hair, so I just flatten the frizz in order to show off the amazing layers my genius hairdresser put in.
Dry Wax – This stuff is what angels use in their hair. It’s wax in a spray can that gives your hair texture and movement and generally makes you feel like a rockstar.
7) Brush your teeth, you scum bag.